Posts tagged Sex
DEAD
Take note ladies! No talking in bed…
SEX FACTS: Things you learn from porn
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70s couldn’t fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.
14. Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they cum.
15. If there are two of them they “high five” each other. (and the girl isn’t disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don’t exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.
19. There’s a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses love to suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out and masturbate at the end.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before joining in and fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches… or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to keep reminding her to “suck it”.
26. Assholes are always clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman’s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don’t have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly on his hip.
(via Random Sex Facts)
Condom sales rise as S.Korea celebrates W.Cup win
The biggest winners were convenience stores and fried chicken outlets as fans took to the streets, the JoongAng Daily reported Monday.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Goooooooooal for Gryffindor!
madisonyeah: (via lovegeneration)
One of the hottest things a guy can do, JUST SAYING.
I can def do this… No need to ask ladies… JUST SAYING
8th Grader Sex Therapist
I’m having trouble maintaining an erection during intercourse with my wife. Do you have any tips to help me perform better?
Mike F., New Jersey
I don’t get it. Just look at her boobs. Or maybe you’re gay or something, I dunno. She’s naked, right? Just have her tug at your boner. If it doesn’t work, you like dudes. Go have sex with a dude or something. I’ll bet your boner will stay.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, but he’s never given me an orgasm. Are we doing something wrong?
Carol H., California
You should let him finger you. My friend Ray fingered a girl behind the 7/11 and she came like three times. But Ray says he’s really good so I don’t know if it will work with your boyfriend. He should still try though.
My partner and I have been keeping our relationship a secret from my family. Is there any way to tell my dad that I’m a lesbian without setting him off?
Lacey L., New York
Lesbians are awesome. If your dad doesn’t like lesbians, he’s gay. You guys should make out in front of him and send me a video of it.
(via CollegeHumor)
10 Things Not to Say to a Guy After Sex
10. “That was nice.”
Did we just leave a community theater production of “Our Town”? If you enjoyed yourself, that’s fantastic. In fact, that was probably our only goal during the session. But, please, use any other word to describe it-“hot,” “amazing,” or “incredible” are good starters.
9. “Whaddya wanna do now?”
Often said in conjunction with finished homework, this question makes us thinks you viewed the sex as a chore.
8. “Why’d you stop?”
God must’ve needed a laugh. That’s the only explanation we can think of.
7. “Are you OK?”
If we start crying, forgo the sympathy and just pretend not to notice. Seriously, though — we’re in bliss. The last thing we want is to feel self-conscious.
6. “It’s not you, it’s me!”
This one is salvageable, because we can reply with, “You’re right. You’re just too hot for a normal man to handle.” Although, chances are we’re too busy trying to fashion a noose out of the bed sheets to notice.
5. “Man, I’m starving.”
This implies that, the whole time we were trying to please you, you were thinking about food — which we’re not (for once!).
4. “Wanna try again?”
Even the most goal-oriented dudes will shudder at the word “try” as it relates to the bedroom. Between the sheets isn’t the place for the Little Engine That Could.
3. “Everyone has an off night.”
Off night? Oh, right. Yeah. Too bad you’re not the girl we hooked up with last weekend. We rocked her world.
2. “Do you mind if I finish myself?”
Of course not. But, rather than ask permission, just go for it. The show will definitely help stitch up our wounded ego.
1. “It happens to lots of guys.”
If you utter this phrase — the single most abhorred combination of words in the history of spoken language — then you deserve not to be satisfied.
(via Lemondrop)
